<3
You know what… 5 days I’ve not logged into my xbrokenmindedx account and I feel like a HUGE weight is off of my shoulders! Now I haven’t LEFT you tube as I’m on another account keeping an eye on video’s and email certain people about certain collaborations.
I bet some of you are thinking… “is there even any point of having a break from your xbrokenmindedx account as your doing the same on your new one” yes. I find that whenever I log into my main account I see comments and messages and feel pressured into making new video’s! Going onto my channel and seeing, “Last sign in: 5 days ago” makes me feel accomplished… as you tube IS an addiction, and even though I don’t want to it up a break from it gives you a sense of accomplishment. Like a smoker who hasn’t touched a cigarette in a few weeks, then they look back on it and think… “Yeah… I don’t NEED this and can live my life without it”
As the holidays draw to a close and I find out what’s going on with this new college I’ve applied for, I’ll most defiantly be back. I can promise you that , I’m not ashamed to admit that my best friends are on the internet… even though people from my old college and people from all my different work placements tell me that their just, “online” friends and not real and talk a lot about the distance … you guys are the closest things to my heart; Spencer, Benjy, Nsg, Rory, Steven, Mhazz, Charlie, Pav, Darren … and then there was anne, who even though she’s looking down on me from heaven I still say she’s one of my best friends and has a huge impact on my life. It was her who taught me to ignore what everybody else thought and be who I want to be!
So yes. I’ll defiantly be back.
Youstaged is coming up! 29th august until 1st of September. I AM going =] Im going to be travelling down to Great Yarmouth on the Thursday to stay with Benjy (btw ben, I didn’t pull you back 😛 … those who have no idea what I’m on about read his blog) , also there will be spencer, darren and bens best friend Jones (jones is awesome!) and on the Friday Benjys LOVLEY dad who is seriously…. Awesome (he likes to read a lot like me… yay! He also use to do drama.. Yay!) is driving us to youstageness! It’ll be fun!
I quickly want to tell you guys, as I know “rumours” are going around that me and Benjy have had a fall out…. Friends are meant to argue *shruggs*, I don’t think you could say to my face, “I’ve never argued with one of my close friends” and be not lying. BUT all the same, Me and Ben are alright now. Don’t even bother asking anymore on it, its not needed 😛
Ben. You’re awesome sauce and ILY ❤
Last log in?
A few people have being worried for me lately and I just want to say sorry. I’ve had a lot of people contact me about the message I’ve left on my youtube page,
“Hi. Im going to be away for a while, not sure how long though. I just need to get away fro youtube for a bit. Leave me love.”
I’ve being having a hard yet very fun time at the moment.
So first of all the radio station has being such an eye opener to the things I’m capable to do and the goals I know I’m able to reach. I’ve made a lot of friends through it and I’ve being going out a lot more rather than sitting at home. Also, I’ve being very close with my cousins recently, as we never really spoke and I’m loving being so close to them and wish we won’t have quiet periods ever again.
Things I’m finding hard at the moment.
– My A-level results (read my A-level blog below this)
– Worrying about what I’m going to do with myself next year
– College interviews
– My dad HAS got in contact and I’m very confused with my feelings towards him, even though I’ve expressed them dearly in a video.
– The youtube community changing. Things aren’t like how they use to be.
– Arguments on youtube.
– Money problems
– My Waitressing job
– Fall outs with friends
– Confusion over a guy
So all of the above is why I’m having a “Break” from youtube.
If I get into college and find youtube is distracting me and if I’m still confused with what to do about my friends I’ve made online, because so many of you have touched my heart, (Mhazz, Spencer, Benjy, Ste, Tom, Rory and Anne (rip))
So if I do choose to leave my xbrokenmindedx youtube account , I’ll be updating this blog regulary to talk to you guys. I’ll be on msn but not as much… and I’ve made a new youtube account. Where I’ll be starting afresh … that youtube account is the keep in the know with all those I’ve learnt to love over the past year and make video’s which will help practice for my future ambitions.
(You know who you are)
I’m sorry and I hope we’ll be alright again soon.
arghh
So much confusion.
So many questions.
So many answers i need but don’t necessarily want to hear.
A-Levels
So today I got my first year of A-level results. I was actually quite confident with what they were going to turn out to be and woke up in the best mood possible. I opened them in the car while my mum was driving me to my morning radio show … and was gutted by what I saw. I told my mum I failed, and held back the tears as I got out the car and waved goodbye to her. It was 9.50am and I was going to go live on air in 10minutes… as soon as I got to the studio my auntie was there, she asked how my results went to which I just replied, “I failed” and burst out crying.
Everybody in the studio saw it… now, its not very often I cry and I always try my hardest to keep these sort of emotions away from people. So yeah….
Media – EEU
Textiles – ECU
Drama – CBDC (best results!)
I managed to do a GREAT show today, I just put on a happy face and spoke confidently to my viewers and didn’t mention A-levels what so ever.
We even got a caller calling in saying the show was going really good, so that made my morning great, and Adam the person I do the morning show with helped cheer me up a lot.
As soon as the show was over, I went home… and cried a lot.
Mum took a proper look at my results and said how disappointed she was and that I hadn’t tried hard enough, when I had!
I’ve got a few choices to come up with in the next 3 weeks.
1) Go back to Lutterworth College (which I absolutely hate and quite possibly is the reason I failed my exams) and re-take year 12
2) Go to North Warickshire and Hinckley college and do a Btec course in drama for 2 years then do a HND media course after that
3) Move to Great Yarmouth with my RLbest friend Toni, get a job and get a flat with her while studying drama over there.
=/
HELP ME GUYS!!
What i’ve being up to =]
The past two weeks of my summer holidays have being truly breathtaking you could say. I’ve recently got involved with my local radio station, which reaches a couple of hundred people in the surrounding area and worldwide through the web. I’ve being trained in using all the equipment and have my own mid-morning shows 10am – 1pm weekdays and a Thursday night 9-10pm. However nerve raking doing the shows are, I’m really enjoying it… I’ve had lots of positive remarks on my voice and presenting skills and overall it’ll look great on my CV!
Also while working with the station I’ve being taught the basics to advertising, which … I admit was quite dull, but again.. Another thing I can put on my CV and knowledge I could possibly use in the future!
So yeah, that’s the first thing that I’ve being doing. The second thing was travelling to great Yarmouth to go stay with Ben. Lots of people think there is “something” going on between me and him. I’ll put it straight right now, we’re just friends… in-fact I consider him to be one of my best friends.
As you all know I’ve being having a lot of problems recently, ie/ my dad etc.. by going to Bens house and spending a whole 5 days with him… I’d like to say he’s helped me through a majority of the difficulties I was going through. So yayy to him! (<3 ya Ben)
Well anyhoo, what did we both get up to I hear you ask!
(I will actually be making a vlog on my youtube VERY soon about this… but I guess on here I can be a bit more personal as I know there are less people reading my blog than watching my vlogs)
So basically on the Monday my mother drove me into peterbouragh (I don’t actually know how to spell it =/) We went straight to the bus station, which was pretty run down and I thought some chavs on their bikes were going to stab me! 0_0 but apart from that the area seemed …. Alright. But yeah, I got on the bus and the journey took me 3 hours to get to Great Yarmouth costing only £6, “BARGIN!” ahaha. The journey was really nice, I took some pictures of the country side, because im obviously cool like that and I listened a lot to my music. Which mainly consisted of sara bariellus. Ahaha. Love that girl!
Anyhoo, here are some of those pictures!
Upon first arriving in Great Yarmouth I was very nervous, it has being a long long time since id visited anybody and stayed at their house for more than one night let alone 4 nights! Eeek! The bus stopped outside some scaffolding and roadworks. So that wasn’t a very good first impression of GY to be honest, and my mum had told me the area was a bit of a dump … from past experience when she went their about 18 years ago. Sooo I got off the coach and walked over to Ben who was stood on the other side of the street, that was so awkward… like, an awkward silence… but not, and instead more of an awkward walk. But yeah, we caught a service bus back to his house and he pointed out the “sites” to me… hehe, in other words, “heres our power plant… houses… houses”
Hehe. So I met his sister, she was outside on a bike and she seemed really sweet. Bens so lucky to have a wee sis’ I’d love to have one! (Trade Ben?)
Met his mum, who again was lovely! Then we went up to bens room in which we locked the door and had mad sex for hours! …. That’s obviously a JOKE. So don’t go messaging me on msn asking if me and Ben got THAT close, because we didn’t. But yeah, Bens room is actually HUGE to what I thought it was going to be! And on my bed Beth (bens little sister) had made me a card saying she hoped I had a great time staying with them (I can tell you now, I REALLY did!)
That evening we just spent hours and hours talking. I can’t quite remember what it was we spoke about, but I know I discovered a whole new person in Ben. His less funny side and more sensitive side, was nice =] We also went live on blogTV that night, but hardly anybody joined the live… apart from the legend that is Mr Barry Aldridge!
So the next day, which would be Tuesday for those who don’t know their days of the week XD, we basically did…..nothing. absolutely sod all. Ahaha, we woke up about 2 in the afternoon, because we’re both lazy and the weather was bad so we stayed in his room having mad sex for hours! ….. again JOKE ¬_¬ We watched youtube clips, and talked. Ohhhh and also Beth came in and we played a high school musical card game for ages, I lost… ben was better at this game than I was, I questioned him a lot on the matter =/ … and yeah, that was about it! Ahaha, we’re that cool. Ben looked sexy that day.
hehehehe
Wednesday; me, Ben, Beth and Bens mother and farther all headed into Great Yarmouth where we went for some lunch. Was a sweet wee’ place we went called, “The continental” if you ever go, have some of their chilli, it was tastehhhh! After that we broke up from the family and Ben set about proving Great Yarmouth is really a nice place, and he succeeded. There are lots of nice shops and things to do, the atmosphere seemed really nice…. Fair enough it was mostly people on their summer holidays, but it was still quite nice! He walked me along the seafront and I went on my first ever pier… well that was different I can give you that! If I was a kid I would of being in heaven, what with all the kid stuff Great Yarmouth has to offer *makes not to self… when I have children take them to great Yarmouth* He then walked me over to.. pleasure beach (I think that’s what it was called) where we sat and watched the log flumes. Now, im aware this sounds pretty lame but let me explain! Theres this one point where there is this sign saying, “Splash Zone!” where kids were standing trying to get soaked by the flumes coming down… but it was even more amusing when random families walked past and didn’t notice the sign, just to end up getting soaked… the look of utter shock on their face was orgasmic.
So yeah, that’s about all we did in great Yarmouth. We walked back to the bus stop where we bumped into Beth and his mum. Beth brought me a high school musical phone holder thing! Which I still use a week later ^_^ hehe.
When we got back to Bens house, we then watched youtube clips of Peter Kay, (in the middle of typing this sentence I got a text from Ben asking me to ring him… so I did. He’s at some fireworks night… which im about to explain cuz I did it with him last week…. That sounded kinda wrong for those who have a dirty mind, and didn’t intend to sound like that…..MOVING ON) we watched lots of comedy clips then me and Ben got a lift into Great Yarmouth town once more from Donner, a work college of bens … who was quite frankly one of the most friendly and chattiest people you’ll ever meet. So yeah, that night was fireworks night in great Yarmouth. (Every Wednesday 10pm … if your near GY, go down to see this display, as it is a really decent firework show!!!) However I’m scared of fireworks… and as Ben was working on the barriers that night I was sat right at the front … when the fireworks went off… well, I was scared.
Thursday I went to Great Yarmouth Hippodrome circus. This was REALLY fun… like, really really really good! Ahaha. I use to work for a street performing brigade so some of the acts I was a bit… meh at, but others I was over all impressed, especially the water act at the end. Again, if your ever in great Yarmouth you MUST go see the circus. =] Thursday night we just chilled out which was nice J
Friday we woke up early as we was going to travel down to London. In the car Beth sat between me and Ben… it was quite amusing at times… such as when I wanted to speak to Ben but I didn’t want his family to hear, I texted him and Beth kept looking from Ben to me to ben to me etc… Really made me giggle XD
It was sad saying goodbye to Bens family, as I feel I bonded very well with them all… such as his dad and I had a few things in common which we spoke about quite a bit. For example we both have a love for books and we both did/do drama… if you know what I mean. His mum made me feel very welcome all week in the household, asking if I wanted tea’s etc… and generally trying to keep me happy and Beth… well we just got on well. So yep, like I said it was quite sad saying goodbye to them.
So yeah.. after splitting up with them me and Ben headed to Hyde park.
Im not going to tell you anything about the Vlog in the park gathering we attended this day. Infact I’ll direct you to Benjys gathering video where I make various appearances and that basically explains Friday day time to you. =]
So Ben left early, once again.. I was really sad saying goodbye to him as I’d spent so much time with him and I was also sad he wasn’t coming back to have some fun at the hostel with us. But yeah… I said goodbye to Ben =[ =[ =[ We hung around a bit longer in Hyde park then walked about 20mins to our hostel… when I say we I mean; Me, Eddplant, BadM4ths, Calumrb22, Calums girlfriend, J0ames, Sophiebeard, Cashboxkeys and I think that was it. As soon as we got up to the hostel… I fell down the stairs and twisted my ankle. ¬_¬ (go on laugh! I know you wanna! …..wankers) but yeah, everybody went out to get pizza and I stayed in the hostel with ice on my foot.. sophie stayed with me though! Because she’s awesome like that… she started playing guitar and I rang Ben for about 40minutes, yep I missed him. Ahaha. When everybody got back we ate shite pizza then we made a song about … the hostel, I wont say much more about that as the video isn’t up yet and it is just… something you HAVE to see.
Didn’t do much more that night, tried going sleep… to which Ivens kept doing the NEW rick roll to us… which is basically the animal park theme tune.
Saturday me and Spencer (Bff!) split up with the rest of the group and headed to Victoria where we went to get tickets to see WICKED. We then travelled over to Leicester square and went in the trocardo to meet up with the hostellers for a few hours and saw the most AMAZING ride ever with loads of animals on it… again no more said on that matter as there will be a video some day showing the ride. Hehe.
After that me and spencer went to watch WICKED…. I would just like to say, that musical is absolutely breathtaking. I really, really enjoyed it and I’ve not being able to get the soundtrack out of my head since seeing it.
For those who don’t know,
“Wicked tells the story of Elphaba, the future Wicked Witch of the West and her relationship with Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. Their friendship struggles through their opposing personalities and viewpoints, rivalry over the same love-interest, their reactions to the Wizard‘s corrupt government, and, ultimately, Elphaba’s public fall from grace. The plot is set mostly before Dorothy‘s arrival from Kansas, and includes several references to well-known scenes and dialogue in the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz.”
(I love Wikipedia)
After this we got the tube to Edgeware where I met up with my motherrrrrr and we got a lift home =] I had a shower and went bed. Ahaha.
Spencer went home early on Saturday and I made my way home to go work.
SO YEAH… that’s basically it, if you’ve actually read ALL of the above thankyou so much and I love you for doing so. If you’ve skipped right to the bottom *gives you the evil eyes*
– Jess
p.s = If you arn’t subscribed to him http://www.youtube.com/doctorbenjy
xoxo
Monday 4th August
Last night I couldn’t sleep, I could say I was nervous … I could say I was excited… who knows, al I know is I was sat in my bedroom with all my lights turned off attempting to sleep. This wasn’t happening, so I wrapped up in my quilt and sat on my windowsill. It wasn’t a cloudy night last night so I lost myself in the endless sky of stars, each a set of cats eyes gazing lovingly down upon me. I love the nights sky, and much to my surprise I saw a shooting star. As you do when you see one of these, you make a wish… so I did. I wished to go asleep…. Yeah, a pretty lame wish … but on a hot night like that where you’re shatterd and just want to sleep, it’s the best wish ever. Don’t remember the rest of that night… I fell asleep =]
Now, here’s the reason as to why I was feeling nervous/excited. Never in all my life have I gone away from my home, for more than three days alone. I’ve gone with a group of friends on a school trip and I’ve gone to London for a few days with Youtubers. But today, I travelled 5 hours to Great Yarmouth to go visit Ben. Also known as DoctorBenjy (Recently featured for, “When do you feel alone” for those dumb asses who don’t know him…. Infact, if you don’t know him. Get off my blog now!)
Since I was a child I’ve had a fear of sleeping over other peoples houses, I’d break out in sweats… cry, and ALWAYS feel ill. But, as its being years since I’ve last gone to somebody’s I thought I’d go to Bens, as he’s such a lovely guy n’ all. I must admit, right now im feeling a little ill… but I won’t blame that on my fear of staying over peoples houses… as Ben and his family so far have being very welcoming and nice to me. His sister even made me a card saying something along the lines of, “I hope you enjoy your time at this house – Beth” soooo sweet ^_^
So Ben. I know you’re reading this… and no doubt, Im sat near you. But I just wanna say, even though we havn’t gone out or done anything today, its being a nice day … you’re family are wonderful from what I’ve seen and you’re a seriously amazing guy J
Will keep you all updated
xx
=[
I never knew I could hold so much negative feelings inside me.
I was…. depressed 15minutes ago, and instead of going to smoke like i would normally
I thought i’d try my hardest in quitting, as Benjy wants me to stop.
So this doodle mindmap thing is what happened.
Surprisingly, i feel ALOT better.
See Jack? RUN JACK.
half underwater
i’m half my mother’s daughter
a fraction’s left up to dispute
the whole collection
half off the price they’re asking
in the halfway house of ill repute
half accidental
half pain full instrumental
i have a lot to think about
you think they’re joking?
you have to go provoke him…
i guess it’s high time you found out
it’s half biology and half corrective surgery gone wrong
you’ll notice something funny if you hang around here for too
long ago in some black hole before they had these pills to take it back
i’m half jill
and half jack
two halves are equal
a cross between two evils
it’s not an enviable lot
but if you listen
you’ll learn to hear the difference
between the halfs and the half nots
and when i let him in i feel my stitches getting sicker
i try to wash him out but like she said:the blood is thicker
i see my mother in my face
but only when i travel
i run as fast as i can run
but
jack comes tumbling after….
and when i’m brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out
and i’m so high not even you and all your love could bring me down
on 83rd he never found the magic words to change this fact:
i’m half jill
and half jack
i’m halfway home now
half hoping
for a showdown
cause i’m not big enough to house this crowd
it might destroy me
but i’d sacrifice my body
if it meant i’d get the jack part OUT
see
jack
run…..
My Weekend
This weekend has being one of the most amazing weekends I’ve had in a long time. In fact, the fun still hasn’t ended and I love every minute of it.
Friday night was one of the most nerve racking days I’ve had in a long time. I woke up early and had Jonny (JDM525) over we then drove into the centre of Leicester, which was fun in itself blasting music to ourselves and singing to shitty tunes. The nerve racking part came next…. We had to go meet DoctorBenjy. *shoots self in head* I hate him SO MUCH… well that’s obviously a lie. I don’t know why I was so nervous meeting him, as I speak to him all the time online.
After collecting Ben we then continued to St Margarets bus station, where we picked spencer up =] He did that thing where he just appears behind us for a few minutes and I turn around having the fright of my life then hug him for AGES. Lol XD
So once the four of us were together we went back to my house and I’ll be honest, I didn’t arrange anything for us to do, but we sat there for hours chilling and basically having a fun time. Night time was the most fun I must admit. The original plan was for all four of us to sleep in my living room.. two on the two sofa’s and two on the floor. Plenty of space and would of being comfy… but as we was up until late jonny stated he wanted to sleep in my room (ground check. MY ROOM IS TINY) Jonny stretched out on my floor by himself with the backing cushions off our sofa, where as Spencer laid on the end of my bed and me and Benjy crammed next to eachother… yeah, it was a tight fit and hurt after a few hours… Spencer and Jonny some how managed to sleep, but me and Benjy stayed up for the majority of the night talking endless crap. Love it. Was nice talking to him I guess, and totally random… he smells nice. Lol.
Next day we woke up bright and early, as I doubt we’d end up staying up late with the uncomfyness (not even a word) lol. First thing we did was go to NSG’s house, that was pretty gosh darn awesome =] Never being to his before so it was fun to just chill with him and nosey at all his music gadgets and endless computer screens (3) lol. We then got on the tube, realised Victoria line was closed (ARGHHHH) and ended up being an hour and a half late. But the whole day was awesome!
Best memories of Saturday
· Buying Barry Aldridge a ukulele. Making him talk to the camera while Dave stood behind him imitating sticking it up his arse. Hehehe, after all that he didn’t want it ¬_¬ so we gave the ukulele to alex.
· Sitting in hyde park next to Mhazz and just chilling (missed her)
· Went Tocarado (or however you spell it) and all ze’ youtubers went on the bumper cars. I shared a car with Sophiebeard, was VERY fun lol.
· Simply hugging Ben. Twas nice =]
· Seeing Iianardo and Kai again. Me, Mhazz and Beth ran over to them. That moment was special in itself =]
Some people had to go home and the rest carried onto Sophie’s house.
Best memories of Saturday Night
- Invading stickaid and going on the big screen, where they had NO idea what we was on about… and all we was doing was screaming in a drunken state
- Singing Birds and Foundations (Kate Nash) with Mhazz
- Cramming on a double bed with Musicfromblueskies, omgmhazzrocks and randomprodinc
- Fake tattoo’s EVERYWHERE
- Attack of the glowsticks, lol… especially when Tom bit one open and his mouth started glowing
- Random posing with Johncox88
- A certain talk with a certain someone ^_^
Next day I woke up at 6.30am with Beth… we didn’t know what to do because everybody else was fast asleep so we went downstairs and tidied Sophie’s kitchen aka putting beer cans and vodka bottles in bags XD hmmm so that was about 30mins.. we then went into the living room and I went to go check on spencer. Aka. Stole his bed. LOL yeah, so I was asleep until 12, got dressed then we all walked for an hour to the nearest trainstation, to be honest I really enjoyed that long walk because I spent ages chatting to Mhazz and its being a while since we’ve spoken so much =] And we found out Benjy got featured, which was GREAT news. He deserved it =]
We didn’t really do much this day we just hung out and met up with Alex, Edd and Ivens which was funfunfun =] Also met Alex’s cousin… forgot his name, was it dan spncer? … yeah it was dan (spencers reading this as I type it lol) Found out he lives within 15mins of me, what a small world. Lol. So yeah, we spent about an hour playing that almighty amazing card game alex did, and tbh … it was confusing as fuck. Then everybody split up…. Last hug went to mhazz, I cried my eyes out. I love that girl.
Sunday night the three of us went back to NSGs this time Benjyless =[ gutted, but we still had a fun time… Spencer and Jonny were being boring and sat on NSGs sofa bed on the laptop. I on the other hand sat next to NSG while he was showing me how he makes his music, its truly amazing… and we even made a beat “Its like murdaaaa” hehe love it =] I went really shy when he tried to get me to sing down the microphone. Eeek
We went live on blogtv for a while, which was cool but NSG’s wi-fi fucked up and his net was going slow… and by this time it was 11pm … and me, jonny and spencer had to leave to get back to my house. In the end we got back to Leicester at about 2am.
Spencer and Jonny went to bed…. Together (wa-heyy) ahaha… kidding, but yeah they was tired so went sleep downstairs and I went for a shower and then went on my laptop for an hour.
Jonny left earlier and Spencers staying with me until Wednesday, so all in all its being a great weekend!
xBrokenmindedx 